Get on my level...

I should vent.

1) Stop treating me like I'm common. Webster defines common as the following "ordinary, usual, standard or average." I'm not any of those things. Not even close. So, when you treat me as such, it's hurtful---but more than that, it makes you look bad. Because if everyone else can see how fabulous I am, then why can't you?

2) Other females are not on my level, not even close. And normally I don't even think of people as being on actual "levels"...you know that much about me. But in this case, it has to be said that way. I'm not quite sure what it is you see in those kinds of people. May you like really like the, ahem, simple [minded] things in life. Or maybe you like people who are actually stupid so that when you treat them as such they don't mind. Maybe you like people who collect digits and letters as part of their collection...or maybe it is as has already been said---maybe you are falling for me...and need to keep doing stupid stuff to prove otherwise. Either way, it's not cute and most certainly not funny.

3) You don't have to let me in. You just have to let me know if my sticking around and waiting for you do so is in vain. I don't have as much time as I used to...and I want to be here for you, but I can only do that if you let me. There's no point in pretending like one day you might maybe think about wanting to let me know what goes on that head of yours if you already know deep down inside that you won't. All I'm saying is let me know, because I'm already out of the loop on so many things, that is a sick joke to let me be out of the loop on something that could just be a major dissapointment.


4) I don't care what you think. No serioulsy, I don't. Especially when it comes to my weight. I'm not trying to lose weight simply because I'm vain...but even if I was, what business is it of yours how I do it??? I look quite fine, I realize that and thanks, for the compliment. But it's not about how a person looks on the outside. People who are in shape on the outside collapse and die from heart attacks every day. And other people who are carrying around enough weight for 2 or more people can live for years. It's about my body people...about the kind of stress it's under carrying around this much weight. I'm not trying to fit into society's idea of what a woman should look like...I'm trying not to die, or to have to give myself shots or take pills everyday for forever. So, no...I don't want to talk about I ate for the 3 meals I had today, or the snacks in between. No, I don't want to talk about calories or fat grams or why I don't eat fried foods. No, I don't think that my doctor is crazy...something about that whole 8 years of extra school that makes me trust her. No, I don't think that is too small...and who cares is "only a dog wants a bone"... I'm more than weight, I alsa have been. But if I don't take care of this, none of the rest of that matter. So, how about you keep your comments to yourself and watch me do me.

5) Would it kill you to notice me??? I mean really... At some point it would be nice if you appreciated all the extra work I've been putting in at the gym and at the hair salon. I don't expect you to hire a skywriter nor do I expect you to do actual cartwheels because you think that I look so fly. But a simple, "Hey, you look nice" would be hot. I also appreciate the flip side of that comment, such that if I look like hell, I'd like you to tell me that too. Just say something that lets me know you notice me. I mean, you pour out compliments to other girls who work twice as hard to look half as good as I do on a regular basis...so I know that you have no shortage of nice things to say. It would be nice though, if every now and again I was on the receieving end of one of those compliments... I mean, in my case at least it would be well deserved.

6) Jamie Foxx put it best... "Are you smokin' trees/Or on that wine/Why you act like I, can't be the only one for you" So are you??? And by that I mean drunk...or high. I'm at a loss for what the actual problem could be with me. Everyone else can see it, and it would be nice to see what it is they do. Being on the receiving end of some of the most recent treatment makes me think that all "those people" that say "those things" are wrong...but then other times you do and say things that are hopeful...and then I'm left confused. I don't know what you think-ever, but if you think I'd ever go back to that...or that situation, then you're wrong. I wouldn't leave anybody for that...especially you. I just wish you'd talk to me...

I think that's all folks. Have an amazing day...

Pushed...

As in away.

If that's what you wanted to do, mission accomplished. You didn't have to hurt me to get the point across. I would have left if you had just asked.

I have always loved this song, but in this moment I finally fully understand the words...

Jesus, say a prayer for me/You know what I need/Go before the Father and intercede for me.

I haven't a clue what I need or what I've done wrong...but I'm willing to fix it and accept whatever the solution may be. This hurts so bad though...

To save having to relive the moments that lead up to this moment and the time and the space...it wasn't about me---it was about you and for you. You didn't do me any favors. Well, maybe one... I know enough to not go this way again.

What if there's no tomorrow...

Rest in peace RJ. My prayers are with your family.


You never know the day, nor the hour...for he comes like a thief in the night. Therefore you should always be in prayer and be ready. I'm ready...are you?


I know better. You know, than to think that there is always tomorrow. But somehow I forget that from time to time. It's not that I mean to, or even that I want to...it's just that later sometimes seems like a better time to do/say/read/write, and so I put it off until then, never thinking that tomorrow or even later might never get here. It has always come, for the most part. There is a moment in time that I wish I could relive again such that things would end differently, but that's neither here not there. This most recent passing of a member of Clemson and Pi Alpha family has me thinking, that what if you don't get that chance at later? What if you don't get to see tomorrow? When you saw that person or had that conversation or shared that hug...did you say everything you needed or wanted to say? Hug them tight like it might be the last time you ever felt that embrace? Or did you say, "never mind...I'll talk to you later"...or give them a sad squeeze and that lasted only seconds? You thought you'd have another chance, another moment to make it up, make it better. Say you're sorry for the fight. Admit you were wrong. Say you loved them. Call your grandmother. And then, just like that...the later or tomorrow you could see just beyond the horizon disappears...and its like it never was. What now???

I'm guilty, and most people are or thinking that later is coming. But the truth is that just as often as it comes, it often does not. And you don't get moments back. No matter how hard you wish or try or cry, you don't get a do-over. That chance could be your last chance...your only chance...so make the best of it. Live in each moment for the moment being mindful that this is what you've got. Don't count on tomorrow. Tomorrow is as capable of letting you down as any other moment. It makes no promises and sends no apologizes for standing you up...

So, just in case you were wondering. I do love you...all of you. And I'd miss you, even if we'd never met.

Trash talk...

And I don't care what you say...she looked a hot damn mess, and all you did was blow her head up...and we all know she didn't need that... I mean, let's be honest, her day job is barely enough to keep her head covered in weave as is...

Silly ho...

If you really want to find/someone to get silly behind/then I ain't the one for you. Real talk...

I'm not a hater...

Now, lets get down to business. I'm a little tired of trashy girls. You know the type. Dress too tight. Heels too high. Weave too...well, weave like. Ass too easy. Too OUT there. The ones who give good girls (like me) the dirty looks when we walk by. Like I'm the one out of place. I'm sorry, I decided to leave a little something to the imagination, do you have a problem with that? Granted, you may be the ones on the dance floor at the party...but I'm going to be the one on the dance floor at my wedding... I'll be the one wearing the white dress dancing with my husband. You might know him, he's the one who used to have you bent over at parties while you were grinding like the rent and the light bill are due tomorrow and you gotta make your money tonight. See, here's the thing... I'm not threatened by you. True, I may sleep alone tonight, tomorrow even and maybe the day after that. But when you're turned out, 40, wearing your shorts too tight and your tops haltered, one kid on one hip and another trailing along behind you... Chances are you'll be sleeping alone too. Because while you think you've got the leg up on me now, you could be right. Except that leg is in stripper shoes propped up on your counter while your boy is hitting it from the back. And if that's what's hot in the streets right now, then I'd rather be cold...ice cold to be exact...

Oh, and just so you know...don't try me. I've said it before and chances are I'll have to say it again, but I want you to know this is the last time for you... Do not try me. I don't play.

You know, it's been said (recently, in a movie..."American Gangsta" you should see it. You know in a movie theatre. With the $12 popcorn and everything) that quitting while you're ahead isn't the same as quitting. Maybe it's not the same thing...but it sure feels like it.

I'm out. Try not to miss me...

All that I've got...

I've said it out loud before, but I'm not sure that anyone ever heard me...

In case you were wondering, life is the good. But don't play me. Seriously.

I'm having a hard time expressing myself, which I've never had happen to me before. I mean, this is what my writing has always been about---putting out there the things that I didn't or couldn't verbalize. But I always found a way to get out. These days I feel like I have a heaviness inside of me that I can't get rid of. I feel like some of it is feelings and thoughts... And those shouldn't get out. I'm learning that there's a reason that those things occur in your head and your heart---cause they are meant to stay there :) I am however, obligated to state the following for those who really want to know...so, you probably think this post is about you, don't you??? Well, it isn't...entirely. It's about me, for me...and meant (just a little) for you...

This is what I want....
replies to my text messages...you know just to let me know you actually got it. even just a "k" will suffice. silence is not appreciated. let's practice. i send "goodnight". you send "....". NO. let's try again. i sent "lunch?" you send "k". good. wash and repeat. wait, text...and repeat.

preheat the oven before you bake the cookies...or the cake...or anything you put in the oven. why? because when 20 minutes of bake time is really 10 minutes of preheat and 10 minutes of cook time, nothing really gets done in the middle...

let me take care of things. i'll let you pump my gas (though i really appreciated the offer) when you let me make you breakfast. or clean. or anything that looks/sounds/feels domestic. i like it. better you than the alternative, i always say.

know that i hate being called "shawty". especially by a drunk motha... especially when i'm as tall as he is. especially when you say it.after.every.single.word.shawty.

i also hate "ya feel me" especially when it precedes "shawty". especially when it is preceeded by and then follows "shawty".

stop asking me to drink and drive. i have a state job. with state benefits. and a 401k. i'm having fun. really. see...? i'd be having even more fun if you'd get that d... beer out my face. before you get to wear it.

don't try me. it's getting harder and harder to remain classy. my bail $ is ready...the question you need to ask yourself, is "how far am i from the nearest hospital???" which should be immediately followed by "do i (as in you) have a rare blood type???" i'm under some stress, and unfortunately for you ms. badass, you might have to suffer for all of the hater b....'s that came before you and lived to see another day. as t.i. would say "if you ain't wanna die/then what you pull a weapon for"

don't lie to me. when you do so, you are just making it hard for yourself. i've never been really stupid...just from time to time i ignore the obvious. so, to you it may look like stupidity...or even like me disrespecting myself. but it's more like self preservation. because when it all falls down, and it will, if i harmed myself i'm the only person i have to make that up to. but can the same be said for you??? don't hurt any more people than is necessary...

10 more pounds. lost. before january. yes, i know its the holiday season. don't care. it'll happen.

if you don't mean me well, or want don't good things for me...then leave me alone. it's that simple. God takes people in and out of my life on a regular basis for similar reasons. i've learned that its often better to take yourself out of the game before He does. He tends to sideline people permanently. at least when the exit was of your own accord then you stand of chance of being able to return... didn't say it would be a good chance...but some chance is better than none.

This is why I'm hot...
i'm cute. you must have noticed. if you didn't then your boy definitely did and he's about to make his way over. save him the trouble and me the time and take notice...

i'll cook. just because. that beverage after? it can be and is often accompanied by a sandwich...or eggs with bacon and maybe even grits... full breakfast? okay. who does that? see that hand in the corner? that's mine.

though i'm not more wise than you i am probably smarter than you. which can come in handy. i mean, you never know...

i'm thoughtful...sweet...caring. dependable. all those things you know you want but can't quite commit to. know what? that's okay. i can't commit either. but i can at least act like it. but one day i know i want to... at least for a while.

supportive. that's me. no matter what.

i can dress my a... off. don't front. you know it's true. and i can dress you too :) at least as well as myself. and you know it too...

This is why I'm not...
there's only one... i'm a little hurt. not just that, but hurt...from some things outside of that event. what i'm trying to say is that my heart still aches a little. and its difficult for me to trust people.

2 things...
good things don't last forever baby...but it's something about you that drives me crazy...but you'll always be my friend...

it's okay to lose your pride over someone you love...but don't lose someone you love over your pride... (funny thing about that line...you can replace pride with so, so many things...)

later.

Faded pictures...

I'd cry about it if I thought it would help any, but it won't. And I'd be pissed about it if I thought that would help...but that's not going to fix anything either. I guess it's what J said this week-end, it's time to let it go. "I mean...after all, if a man won't even call and say he's not coming for a steak dinner...chances are that he has something better to do with his time. And judging by silence of the phone, that something better isn't you" That boy is SO wise. Probably has something to do with the fact that he's so darn old :) Ha, ha. I'll ask some questions and see what's up...though my uncle said it best already "Babygirl, what kind of response do you think you're going to get with this proof that you aren't going to get with all of the other proof you've had already?" That's a great point...but I've gotta try...

Keeping in step...

I'm SO confused... What's a girl to do???

So, yesterday was one of the most hellish days I've had in a while. It was rainy, which didn't help my mood. At that point I hadn't slept in about 3 days...now it's 4. I think it would help if I wasn't sleeping alone, but I don't see any remedy to that situation, so I'll deal with the non-sleep for now. I had a bunch of blood drawn yesterday, I'm supposed to get some of the results back today and some back tomorrow...and to add to that, I lost my (very pricey) nose ring in the bed at some point, and I can't find it anywhere :( That sucks because it was the clear glass one my nose was actually pierced with...and it was the only thing I could wear in my nose to work. I had to go see grandma yesterday too... And at while I was driving to the bowling thing in Edgars, it hit me that I was far too old to be attending such things... That might have been the one bright spot in my whole evening except I couldn't even get up enough nerve to go in after that revelation.

I think that all boys should go kick rocks, big ones...without their shoes on. I used to try and decode their odd behavior, but every time I thought I'd gotten it all figured out...I'd get thrown for a loop again. This time is no different. I'm a little tired of going though everything in my head...but I can't not think about it you know? It's just hard. But, at least I'm not as stressed out as I was before...so anything is an improvement...right???

Plans for the rest of the week...get hair cut, work out, work, study...step show...possible appearance at after party...more work and more studying. I'll let know how it goes.

"Thank you for not snitching..." gotta love Boondocks :) It's nice to know that some people still take that seriously. Even if it meant that I didn't the information I needed...still nice to know...